by degrees...

I have two degrees in music. I am not currently using them. I...want to. I want to use them, even if I can't perform due to other life choices. I studied music for 7 years because I love it, and want to make a living with it.
So what could I do? Teach...in a classroom? Private lessons? Both of these are daunting to me, since my degrees are not in education, but performance. My pianomanship (tee) is somewhat lackluster, as well. I've always maintained that I don't want to teach, but lately it's been pulling at me, this music background. I'm finally moving past the letdown...and maybe seeing a different path...other questions are raised, like...teach whom? What grade level? Choir? Voice? I'd be horrible with instrumental anything, so I'd have to find a designated vocal position. I'm terrified at the amount of work it could take to go into teaching, and part of me still feels like I've given up something by not trying...I don't know. It's not for immediate decision, but it's there now.
I guess I should get the final draft of my recital paper finished, too...

Any thoughts, friends/random strangers who may wander over this way?

Rambly Rambly

There's a casino burning in Vegas right now. It's pretty amazing to see. I don't think anyone has been hurt, but they had to evacuate the whole building.

I ordered little reading glasses yesterday. Staring at a computer screen all day makes my eyes hurt and I'd rather not go even more blind by 30...they are super cute, though. I might have to get another pair. I kind of like glasses...

I love this little laptop I'm playing with at work. It's so cute! It has a touchscreen! It has a handle! I just think it's adorable.

Lately I've been obsessed with televisionwithoutpity.com and the recaps of Project Runway. That guy makes me laugh out loud.

My dad is having radiation treatments right now. He said they're boring. At least each session is short. I love him a lot.

I'm really, really excited that this weekend is going to be warm. I used to love winters in Alaska, but winter in Oklahoma sucks and I'm soooo looking forward to a few warm days again.

I have an hour and 45 minutes left at work today. I'm very bored. The laptop is really cute...but I'm ready for the weekend.

I've been wanting to buy really girly things lately - lip gloss, a hair cut, nail polish...I go through these random phases of purchase-envy. It will pass.
I already bought some nail polish, though, before I realized what I was doing. My toenails look delicious.

I wish there was a good outlet of live music in OKC. Maybe there is, and I'm just not cool enough to know about it. I like going to see local bands/shows.

I miss performing.

Have you ever...

I think...I think something is happening that I tried to ignore. Something that I didn't want to see, so I pretended I didn't - which never works. I could still be wrong. I could be reading into it, reading incorrectly, seeing the ready excuse that I wished for in the situation I did not.

This time, the possibility of being right leaves me feeling sort of hollow, sort of resigned-to-the-inevitable, sort of sorry for myself by proxy, if that's something one can be. It has nothing to do with me, if I am right, except parenthetically, which isn't even enough for worry except that the after thought in this is...me. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself generally, proxy-wise or otherwise, so why this time?
I think it has to do with fooling myself into hoping, a little, that I was wrong about this and right about the other thing, which means really I was wrong about everything. I let myself play pretend. I let down my time-crafted defenses, just a little. I relaxed a breath; a heartbeat; a moment; and now I realize I let myself be caught off-guard by something I saw far-off and, instead of heeding the warning, pretended it wasn't there.

It was there, I think. It's here still. The whisper of a glance at a possibility of a hunch. All I can say is, I see it. And I'm not ignoring it.

And so the question becomes "what now?" It's not a bad thing. If I'm right, I can pull out my happy face, knowing that I should be happy - and I would be, partly. It's the other part, the other possibilities that bite the dust with this possibility becoming reality, that gives me pause and catches in my throat. There are other questions that I guess I didn't want answered just yet. There are even more questions this raises. I suppose this won't won't be laid down until I know for sure, but the musings hold me captive today.