15 January 2008

Have you ever...

I think...I think something is happening that I tried to ignore. Something that I didn't want to see, so I pretended I didn't - which never works. I could still be wrong. I could be reading into it, reading incorrectly, seeing the ready excuse that I wished for in the situation I did not.

This time, the possibility of being right leaves me feeling sort of hollow, sort of resigned-to-the-inevitable, sort of sorry for myself by proxy, if that's something one can be. It has nothing to do with me, if I am right, except parenthetically, which isn't even enough for worry except that the after thought in this is...me. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself generally, proxy-wise or otherwise, so why this time?
I think it has to do with fooling myself into hoping, a little, that I was wrong about this and right about the other thing, which means really I was wrong about everything. I let myself play pretend. I let down my time-crafted defenses, just a little. I relaxed a breath; a heartbeat; a moment; and now I realize I let myself be caught off-guard by something I saw far-off and, instead of heeding the warning, pretended it wasn't there.

It was there, I think. It's here still. The whisper of a glance at a possibility of a hunch. All I can say is, I see it. And I'm not ignoring it.

And so the question becomes "what now?" It's not a bad thing. If I'm right, I can pull out my happy face, knowing that I should be happy - and I would be, partly. It's the other part, the other possibilities that bite the dust with this possibility becoming reality, that gives me pause and catches in my throat. There are other questions that I guess I didn't want answered just yet. There are even more questions this raises. I suppose this won't won't be laid down until I know for sure, but the musings hold me captive today.

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